The True Meaning of “Friends with Benefits”

If your friends don’t make the time to service their relationship with you, let them go to make room for the ones who invest.

A friend of mine who has an enviably wide circle of friends tells me she has an inner circle of only five special friends. Each represents a finger on her hand, and as such, she refers to them as “my hand”.

For the time being, I have made the cut, although having met many of her outer circle of wonderful women, I’m not sure how.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

Our circle of friends becomes smaller in middle age

Gen X women are feeling the pressure of having a career and carrying the mental load for their families and with less energy and time at our disposal, it is understandable that the number of our close friends decreases in middle age.

“The most beautiful part about pouring our time and energy into friendships is that not only do friends help enrich our lives, but we enrich theirs too! Friendships get us through the tough times in life, make things more fun and enjoyable, and all-around make our lives better.” But, “I urge you to take stock of your friendships and ask yourself if your current friends people build you up and support you, or is the friendship more one-sided?” asks Robert Puff in and article for Psychology Today.

Increasingly, I am becoming more conscious of that niggling voice in my head that helpfully reminds me that time is running out. The benefit is that I am prioritising what truly fulfils me and makes me happy in life. Therefore, when friends don’t service their relationship with me, letting them go is a more practical, healthier option for me. It leaves me more time to focus on those with whom I have more in common and creates less stress. It sounds selfish, I know, but if ever there was a time in our lives to put ourselves first, I believe it is now, during this final chapter.

Give yourself permission to be a little selfish in middle age

Unsurprisingly, my small bunch of close friends share a lot in common: they are all considerate, decent human beings with an underlying wicked sense of humor and commendable ability to separate the genuine from the false. They are all fantastic sounding boards and much better listeners than I will ever be, and yet, each of them offer me something different in our relationships.

Each of my friends offer me something unique

1. A positive outlook: Unfortunately for my friends, I am prone to dark periods and an unhealthy perfectionist trait linked to anxiety means I’m always seeking to improve myself. A couple of them have been blessed with the positivity gene which helps bring out the sun on those grey days and gratitude is something I’m working on to help keep the black dog out.
2. Intellectual challenge: I strive to remain curious at all times and lap up new learning with the eagerness of a toddler. Several of my friends provide me with a cerebral fix. They are intelligent, well-read women who challenge my ideas with their opinions and inspire me keep on self-reflecting and growing.
3. Unconditional love: A couple of my friends are just the best kind of people. Loving, decent people that I’ve always aspired to be like but never quite made the mark. They are thoughtful and empathetic, the type of friends who remember every important date or send Insta reels that mean something to both of us to maintain our connection. Their love for me is unconditional and I try to honour that. It may sound trite, but maturity has shown me that kindness is the quality I envy most in my friends.
4. Laughter: One friend makes me snort and belly laugh each time she opens her mouth. She is the least “woke” person I know — and mocks me for my leftie leanings — but she has always been unashamedly unapologetic for who she is and what comes out of her mouth, and I envy her that confidence.
5. A safe space: Another has been through some similar challenges with her kids which means we can share our deepest thoughts and feelings in a safe space. Quite often, we even manage to see the funny side of them.
6. A comfort zone: Others are a rock to me. Not necessarily the biggest personalities, the greatest organisers, nor the fanciest hosts, but I trust them implicitly and feel completely at ease in their company. I can remove my mask in front of them without feeling judged.

Maturity has shown me that kindness is the quality I envy most in my friends

Who knows what I offer my friends, if anything. Objectively, I can see that I am not “great” best friend material. I am terrible at remembering names, birthdays or important dates, my poor filter means I often say the wrong thing in emotionally-challenged situations, and recently I’ve become very lax about organising social gatherings as my mental space gets more and more bogged down by family needs and responsibilities. Added to which, with the recent dip in my tolerance to alcohol — and I’m boring when I’m sober — socialising has become more of a trial.

But if I had to fill out a friendship profile and list out some friendship credentials, they would be these:

Up for most things

Loyal as a dog — some might even call me stalkerish

Curious as a cat — and just as impulsive and accident-prone

Doesn’t give too many fucks

And proud to not take myself or life too seriously.

If I’ve forgotten any great friendship qualities, I’d love to hear about them from you.