9 Surprising Truths I Discovered About Myself In 2020

Compared to many people, I was fortunate to emerge from 2020 relatively unscathed. Admittedly, certain elements of our brief lockdown in Sydney tested me, but because my job carried on pretty much as usual (and I don’t get out much anyway), there were few noticeable changes in my day-to-day life.

However, few people resurfaced from last year’s unprecedented event without some restructuring of their lives. And so, at the start of 2021, and what we hope will be a better year — although we may have to pretend that the antics at Capitol Hill never happened — I’d like to highlight some of the positive ways the last terrible year altered my perceptions.

The most notable change to my lifestyle is that I learned to relax.

I am a naturally productive person, because keeping busy distracts me from overthinking — which in turn, keeps the “black dog” from my back door — so when I awoke to this new, threatening world of no certainties, i.e. the main ones being that I didn’t know how our income stream would be affected by the virus, or when we would see family and friends again — I made a concerted effort to make changes to the balance in my life, and to use my time more wisely.

The virus forced me to pull my inner sanctum closer and release the dead wood.

Not only did COVID teach us a new language — where words like “restrictions”, “isolation”, and “seeding” took on new meaning — lockdown provided many of us with more time for self-reflection, which gave us a better understanding of what provides meaning in our lives— and I’m not talking about alcohol.

These are 9 surprising truths I discovered about myself:

1. I enjoy my own company is a surprising admission from a Leo, however, I am a lion with anxiety, which adds another dimension to the attention-seeking stereotype. With the curtailment of my social life, I had to learn not to feel guilty about doing and achieving nothing and I saw a noticeable improvement in my mental health. Nowadays, I try to dedicate at least an hour each day to read or watch something vacuous on Netflix, just to switch off. It’s called self-care.
2. I am surprisingly innovative. I am more resourceful than I thought and I’m not afraid to try out new things. Many of my friends struggle to fill their free time — especially when their partners are busy — whereas I discovered a plethora of new interests. I completed an online marketing course, I learned how to crochet, and I even gave Pilates another go. It’s unlikely I will continue to crochet in my retirement, but I am confident I won’t have to take up golf anytime soon either.
3. I need routine. I have never lacked self-discipline, but I am easily distracted and so I need structure and accountability in my day — even if that’s just a to-do list. I’m certain that the necessity of a daily routine is symptomatic of my age and anxiety as much as COVID, or even a coping strategy I’ve picked up to prevent my brain straying into dangerous territory, but I am much more productive when I set myself goals. Now I just need to work on some flexibility.
4. Friends, family, and community are important to me. During lockdown, we relied on our friends and family like never before, and everyone — even the socially anxious and introverts among us — was forced to make an effort to maintain connection, whether that was via a quick text to check in or a full-blown Zoom call. Small talk has never been one of my strengths, and prior to COVID, it was rare for me to instigate a group chat about the mundanities of my day. However, last year forced to do just that, and I saw for myself the benefits of those interactions in terms of the mutual boost to our morale.
5. I need to exercise. I have hated sport for most of my life, which proves just how much we change with age. I don’t exercise to lose weight, I do it to keep my brain healthy and to maintain a positive outlook. I never understood how addictive exercise was until a recent sports injury affected my mobility and the mental health benefits I derive from nature and the great outdoors.
6. Exercise doesn’t help me lose weight. However, as much as I’d love to eulogise about the resulting weight loss from my gruelling workouts and pathetic little runs, I finished the year at the same weight I started. I am fitter, my joints and muscles are (presumably) stronger, and a recent heart check gave me the all-clear, but I have also had to resign myself to the fact that I will never be a size 10 again. And that’s OK. Weight loss is about diet, and I love my food too much to be a skinny Minnie.
7. I’m an empath. I discovered that an increasingly unhealthy compassion towards pretty much everything and everyone means that daily doomscrolling and watching cute dog videos are not great for my mental health. While I am proud of my compassion for those less fortunate than myself, I need to control my emotional investment. I can’t let the misfortunes of others paralyse me to the point where they prevent me from doing my own work to create awareness about the stuff that is important to me. I need to be careful about basing my own happiness on the happiness of others — which, according to my therapist, is apparently an example of “interdependence”.
8. My emotional triggers. Last year, I gained a better understanding of what triggers my anxiety: my son’s mental health and its ramifications, a latent problem with rejection (that I’m still trying to understand), and the pressure of working for other people (whilst trying to balance my other responsibilities, in particular, my son’s needs). Now that I’ve identified them, I feel more confident about moving forward with my therapist to develop coping strategies. “What happens is not as important as how you react to what happens,” (Ellen Glasgow) is great advice that I intend to heed in 2021. In simple terms, it means I will stop taking responsibility for everyone else’s problems and choices and I will be my son’s supporter rather than his enabler.
9. The true meaning of gratitude. It has been heartbreaking to watch the toll of COVID around the world, particularly from my place of privilege. And yet, I’m embarrassed to admit that I still have those why me days. While I have never taken anything for granted, in 2021 I am even more resolved to make the most of each day and be grateful for what I have.

What did you learn about yourself this year?

Photo credit: Photo by Darius Bashar on Unsplash